Memoirs from a Deathbed

Believe it or not, despite the fact that I've been working constantly and sleeping half the day away, I've had a chance lately to do a lot of thinking. And one of the things that got me thinking was a new CD that I bought from perhaps my favorite band, Relient K.

I want to share with you guys the final song on the album, an epic, 11-minute confession of a man dying from cancer and looking back on his life from his deathbed. I'll provide the lyrics in black font, with my own thoughts in blue.

DEATHBED

I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe
This is the end

But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home

Sometimes in our lives we can feel so alone, so attached from the world that goes on all around us. But this was a man who was utterly alone, on his deathbed with nobody to care for him. What a depressing thought -- to be all alone and dying. But even when we're alone, we're not alone. God is there with us, and even when things are at their worst, we have the promise of eternity waiting for us when He calls us home.

The year was 1941
I was 8 years old and far too young
To know that the stories
Of battle and glory
Was a tale a kind moher made up for her son

You see, Dad was a traveling preacher
Teaching the words of The Teacher
But Mother had sworn
He went off to the war
And died there with honor somewhere on a beach there

But he left once to never return
Which taught me that I should unlearn
Whatever I thought a father should be
I abandoned that thought like he abandoned me

The man was 8 years old in 1941 -- meaning he was born in 1933. In 2007, as he's on his deathbed, he's 66 years old looking back at his life. While I haven't lived nearly 66 years, there are times I think back to things in my past that have shaped me into what I am today. In this case, his father -- a Christian man, a traveling preacher -- abandoned him and his mother all alone. At such an early age, he had to grow up and become a man. I can relate here. While I never once felt abandoned, for the most part of my childhood it was just me and Mom. We bounced around, went through a couple of husbands, but it was us. I had to grow up. Mom hd to sacrifice. It shaped me into the man I would become.

By '47 I was fourteen
I'd acquired a taste for liquor and nicotine
I smoked until I threw up
Yet I still lit 'em up for 30 more years
Like a machine
So right there you have it
That one filthy habit
Is what got me where I am today

At 14 years old, abandoned by his father, this man had begun going down a path that would lead to his destruction. Liquor and nicotine -- the latter of which would lead to a cancer that would riddle his bones and put him on his deathbed, looking back on his life. We make choices. Every day we make choices. Some good. Some bad. None of us are perfect. But we live with our choices. They shape us. They define us. At 14, this man made a choice that would effect the rest of his life. I hope I haven't made decisions that will lead to my destruction someday.

I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe
This is the end

I can hear those sad memories
Still haunting me
So many things
I'd do again

But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home

A little twist on the chorus. As he lays in his bed, all alone, on his deathbed, he's haunted about sad memories from the past -- about the abandonment he faced when his father left, about the filthy smoking habit that would lead to the cancer that's killing me. Man, all these decisions haunt him in his last days. There are so many things he'd do all over. I look back at all the stupid mistakes that I've made in my life, and how I wish I could have a chance to do things all over again. But we don't get that opportunity. We live. We learn. We move on. We make mistakes, ask for forgiveness and try to live to the best of our abilities. Unfortunately, in life, there are no mulligans.

Got married on my 21st
Eight months before my wife would give birth
It's easier to be sure you love someone
When her father inquires with the barrel of a gun

The union was far from harmonious
No two people could have been more alone than us
The years would go by and she'd love someone else
And I'd realize I hadn't been loved yet myself

While at 14, he began smoking. At 21, he impregnated his wife and had a shotgun wedding. Again choices that define us. I guess it would be pretty easy to know you love someone when her father is threatening your life. You man up and take the consequences of your action. But can you imagine how tough it would be knowing that you're 21 years old, about to be a father and getting into a marriage that neither one of you wants to be in. Your families obviously aren't happy with your decisions, and you are forced to try to make things right. But they aren't right. The marriage is doomed from the start. She'd move on and give her heart to someone else -- without ever giving it to you at the start.

From there it's your typical spiel
If life was a highway I was drunk at the wheel
I was helping the loose ends all fall apart
Yeah I swear I was destined to fail and fail from the start

I bowled about six times a week
The bottle of Beam kept the memories from me
Our marriage had taken a 7-10 split
And along with my pride, the ex-wife took the kids

And things kept getting worse. Without love, a fatherless young boy became a father who in his own way abandoned his children. Is going life through the motions a life worth living? This man just went through the motions -- he was drunk at the wheel of the highway of life. In a way, he feels sorry for himself. He feels as if his life was set up from the get-go destined for failure. He's beaten down. He's broken. Can things get any worse? Probably, but in his head there's no way it's going to get any better.

I was so scared of Jesus
But he sought me out
Like the cancer in my lungs
That's killing me now

And I've given up hope
On the days I have left
But I cling to the hope
On my life in the next

But just when we get up hope, our hero swoops in. The hope for the hopeless. When we're running scared, when we're hiding from life, Jesus is there, seeking us out, trying to save us. Just like the cancer in this man's lungs, seeking to spread its way throughout his body, Christ sought to take over his life. As he lays in his bed, alone, dying, there's no hope left in this life. But there's hope in eternity. There's hope that the pain, the loneliness, the helplessness, everything will be gone -- and all that's left is a perfect life in heaven.

Then Jesus showed up
Said "Before we go up
I thought we might reminisce
See one night in your life
When you turned out the lights
You asked for and prayed for my forgiveness"

Now it's time. Jesus shows up. As the man takes his final breath, he closes his eyes to see The Father and The Son. It's time for eternity. But before, Jesus says let's take a trip down memory lane. Surely, this isn't what the old man wants to do. After all, he's just been taking trips down memory lane. The thoughts were depressing. His life wasn't exactly fulfilling. But Jesus brings good memories -- a memory about a broken man, alone in the dark, crying out for forgiveness. And that's all it takes -- a heart that comes, pure and broken, with the understanding that we cannot save ourselves. It just takes a heart in search of a hero and a savior.

You cried wolf
The tears, they soaked your fur
The blood dripped from your fangs
You said, "What have I done?"
You loved that lamb
With every sinful bone
And there you wept alone
Your heart was so contrite
You said "Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes
Sanctify this withered heart of mine
Stay with me until my life is through
And on that day, please take me home with you"

This is perhaps my favorite part of the whole song. I've grown up in church and heard many metaphors about the life of Christ. I've heard all about the pure lamb of Christ -- the sacrifice that was made for us to have eternal life. But I've never before heard us compared to a wolf. But that's what we are. We are the wolf who sought out and sacrificed the pure lamb. We're the ones with the blood on our fangs. And we're the ones who should be crying over the punishment that we caused the only perfect person to ever walk this earth. But that's the good news. That was the plan. Jesus did it willingly. He went to the Cross for us and allowed us to dig our fangs into his brittle bones. The crown of thorns, all the whips, the broken bones, the beatings that Jesus took -- all of that was our fangs digging into him and devouring the perfect lamb. And that sacrifice was wondeful, but it was useless unless we come with a contrite heart, pouring out our withered hearts, begging for forgiveness and asking our savior to take us home with him.

I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe
This is the end

I can hear you whisper to me
It's time to leave
You'll never be
Lonely again

But this was my deathbed
I died there alone
When I closed my eyes tonight
You carried me home

Again, another twist on the chorus. Jesus came to take the old man home and simply whispered in his ear that he had nothing more to worry about. Never again would he be lonely. Never again would he feel the pain of the human emotions that we deal with every day. No, he was on his way to heaven. Carried home by our hero.

(Voice of Jesus)
I am the way
Follow me and take my hand
And I am the truth
Embrace me and you'll understand
I am the life
Through me you'll live again
For I am love
I am love
I am love

And then to close the song we get the voice of Jesus, pleading out to his children. Just like the gospels say, he is the way, the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father but through him. He's the way, all we have to do is take his hand and follow. He's the truth. If we embrace it, we'll understand. And he is the life. Through him, we can live again. We can have the gift of eternal life. But most importantly, he is love. That love is what saves us. That love is what led to the ultimate sacrifice.

I hope one day I am not in the position that this old man was put in. I hope I'm not alone on my deathbed, with no family, no loved ones, basically living a useless life. I don't want to look back on my life with any regrets. I want to live life to its fullest. But no matter what, no matter how my life turns out, the twists, turns and tribulations that are sure to come in the future, I know I have the love of my savior. I know my future is written in the Book of Life. That gives me the ultimate comfort to know that I can live my life and at the end of the day know that I'm going home!